i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
