is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
