I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
