i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
