I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
