Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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