What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
