I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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