the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
