Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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