11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
