I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
In the future we'll all be gay
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
