I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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