I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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