hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
How's work?
Spinning.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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