So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
