She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Im part way to drunk.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
