dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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