just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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