Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
