And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
