just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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