i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
