Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
