i love accidental penises.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
