I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
