When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
