woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
