My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
