I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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