i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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