I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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