I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
