i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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