dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
