Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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