im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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