Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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