Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
