the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
