she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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