Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
