i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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