So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
