Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
