he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think people are normalizing furries
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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