I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
