i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
