I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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