can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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