the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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