So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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